Duno how to start this entry... many things happened after 10th Mar...my mood was affected each time I get to noe something... finally i decided to end all these.. to stop contacting him.... no more frans.. cos this is torturing me & probably deceiving myself as well....

In the end, it didnt turn out this way.... We talked very long that day & somehow or rather, we agreed to try out again... to make this relationship work.... Of cos, I am happy but really afraid that history will repeat itself again.... Saadiah told me she saw how I went through this breakup & would not wan to see it happen again.... I oso really hope so.... I noe I should protect myself since I am slowly getting over it but my heart just wouldn't listen.... I noe I might be hurt terribly once again but I still follow my heart.... I am a failure in relationship... I cannot do/think logically when it comes to matters of the heart.... I choose this & I have to be strong to face the consequences...

This time round, I can say I noe him more & oso the problems we had.... I have oso learn to be more understanding & less demanding.... If this time round were to fail again, at least I did try my best to make it work.... Say me stupid or watever, but that is me....

Have been feeling very down these 2 days... kept asking myself wat actually I wan... I seriously duno.... To wan him back??? No.... but i jus cant make myself happy.... My expression on my face is always sian, like wat Ser commented... I am confused... very confused.... i really do not wan him back though I kept thinking about the past... I can picture myself if things were to be back to normal... I have used to wanting to end our relationship as well... can remember that I wrote a few entries in this blog about things he had done to meke me really upset but eventually I deleted those posts when things have been resolved... I only wanted happy memories to be on my blog.... but somehow he has runied wat I wanted... Now are all posts of my confused feelings... When I talked to him on the phone, I was not happy as well... the tone/way he spoke hurts me... no care/concern from him... I told myself no one can hurt me again... i must be strong & happy cos only I can make myself happy.... but at times, my mind will jus sink back to the past.... believe this jus cannot be helped.... everyone around me can do it... so can I rite??? After all he is not the right guy for me... y waste my tears on him??? I wana be strong... God, pls help me to be strong again!!!!!

As you can see, my mind is confused thus the things I wrote will oso made whoever is reading this entry confused... who cares.. i jus write watever that comes into my mind...

**Back to the old days**

Saturday went clubbing with Ser & uncle Erik... ya... I am in contact with my old frans again... I have abandon them & gone missing when I was with him... cos simply he dun like them.... but luckily my frans all understanding enough to accept me back as their fran again... See.... one of the sacrifices I had made which he did not realise it ... probably he find its nothing... anyway we went to explore Movida & the rest of the pubs at St James... Not bad a place to chill out...however due to used to living in a 'lost' island (this is described by Erik), I cannot take the alcohol well... wat do u expect.. so long never drink... however that nite drank my favourite black label... initally was ok.. then Erik go 'ta' with me... wah.. cannot tahan liao... go toilet & vomit alittle... yes.. I am tat lousy....

There are sometings which I cannot mention over here... Ser will noe wat... anyway I met him the next day to pack my remaining stuffs.... I kept looking at him, confirming if I still have feelings for him.. afterall it all started with his cute looks which made me fall head over heels for him... conclusion is no... no more the heart racing feeling anymore....I truly noe we can never be happy even we r back together cos simply we are not suitable... only feeling i have is jealousy... jealous that he can find someone so fast(less than a week after we broke off).. other than that.. no more other feelings....

Talked to Vincent today.. found that we are happily sacas-ing each other... & realise that I have not been talking in this way for so long... & that is then my normal way of talking... sacas in english.. haha... I am thinking if i were to tok in such manner to Calvin... how will it turn out... I do no want to elaborate but frans who noe him will noe how it will turn out like... therefore I have not been talking in this way for so long.... Calvin & I are still frans thus I do not wan to offend him in any ways.....

Okie... I am tired... Last nite duno y cannot slp... today got to slp earlier to compensate my lost slp.... Nitez....

Its been a week since we broke off...No chance for me to change... He didnt want to give... he said he is tired of it by giving in too much... Is this really the reason??? Or partly cos there is this bitch waiting for him as well.... He has diverted his feelinsg to her very quickly.... probably she has been consoling him whenever he has problems with me... there is where feelings develop... he said he felt very comfortable with her, felt that she trust him alot & its like 'tian zhu ding'... when i heard that, my heart hurts & but tears jus cannot come out anymore... its 'tian zhu ding' that they lost contact for 2 yrs & met again in PS.... I was there as well when they saw each other... well dun ask me how this bitch looked like cos she didnt catch my attention at all... a normal plain jane... not to forget this bitch has liked him all along... wat can i say??? all these are 'tian zhu ding'??? haha.. i jus find it so exaggerating...

Initally i cannot take this break up... I begged him not to leave me cos I truly still love him alot... yes, i noe that i do not have any pride anymore... he treated me very coldly each time he saw me... he said that he was very happy when he is out with his frans, i guess probably with that bitch but when he saw me, all the problem jus flow into his mind...

Finally I decided to let him go & that nite he cried badly... after which asked y he cried, he jus commented that he is jus being emotional... well... I have nothing to say... the past few days I couldn't eat nor sleep... I kept crying, picturing them together & even during work, i didnt control my emotions... all my colleagues are very concern about me... I can tell... & i appreciate it... after that nite he told me that they 2 are 'tian zhu ding', i told myself that we are in fact unsuitable.... i kept telling myself that & i tried to get support from my frans on this but of not much help since they can only see on the surface... On thurs nite, I was really damn sad... looking thro the photos we taken, I msged him & we tok... only that nite, then he has proven we are in fact not suitable.... He still very childish & at times I cannot understand his thinking... I believe many cannot understand it as well.... to him, if there is a problem in the relationship, he will solve it himself & not tell the other party about it... jus like ours... he find there is problem but he jus kept giving in without discussing with me... until it ended up in this way. When i told him about it, trying to make him understand this but he jus simply said, 'ya lor.. thats y we r not suitable'. Hai, to him, he is thinking that I still wana be with him.... yes I do still wan but ever since that nite's talk, I realise that we cannot be together... probably as a fran, i will noe him better.. he said that he will tell his frans the problem he has but he wun wan them to help him solve.... he jus need a listening ear... erm... so thats y frans will noe him better....

Initally I tot that he really gave in alot to this relationship but now I realise that I did gave in as well.... jus that he cannot tell.... I have been adapting to his lifestyle, communication etc until I am so used to it already... i did not realise that i was giving in till now.... From the start i noe that we are having communication problems.. I realise that he sometimes do not understand wat I was trying to say whereby later on i have to rephase for him a few times before he got wat i meant... i noe of this hence whenever i wana say something, I will automatic simplify the sentence in my mind before speaking out.... welll, but to him, I did not give in to this relationship.... there are oso many minor issues thats upset him which I think its really nothing & he take such things so heavily... He is still not mature yet... his exs are all older than him & eventually ended due to characters not suitable...i believe tat he needs to get someone younger than him... which can understand him & hopefully he can be more mature as time comes.....

He is one person whom is contented with life... i asked him this... Eg he is now working in this current job & he noes that he will be stagnant forever (getting the same pay & no promotions) but he is happy working in his current job... Now he has another job offer which has better prospect but of cos not sure wat will the working envirnoment be like ... I asked him which will he choose... He chose to be contented with staying at his current job... to him, most important is to be happy.... thats not the bf I am looking for, I wan my bf to aim higher & accept new challenges.... He has changed 4 jobs since I have been with him... & his pay has an increase of $500 within a yr without having much experience... I cannot say credit all goes to me but I am there pushing him whenever there is job opportunites for him but he feels irrirated when i do all these ....

he did sacas me at times that we belong to 2 different world which I believed both of us know about it before we started our 1yr, 1mth & 6 days relationship... he would always say i am starbucks & he is coffee shop... & that I am not interested in pasa malam things.. only go for shopping center things... well. i tot that we can adapt to each other lifestyle... at least i am trying to but seems like he dun appreciate & find that this is still a barrier to our relationship.... Probably....

I am feeling much better now... due to all the incompatibilies... i tell myself even without this bitch, we cannot be happy together... unless he can change but he is stubborn when comes to thinking... so a younger gf might be suitable for him eventually... of cos at times, i still cry & think about the happy moments together... but time will heal all these, isnt it??? I believe so & so are all my frans.. I thanks them for being there for me whenever they can.....

**Change for the Better**

Regretted letting him read my last entry... Regretted spoiling our BKK trip with it... I realised that I love him alot & cannot afford to lose him... I promised to change... more gentle, understanding, think positively & definitely being more mature... I talked to tons of people on this.. Thanks everyone whom has lent a listening ear to me.... Since I dun wan to lose him, I have to change.. Hopefully everything will turn well with the changes I have made... I have been telling Ser previously that I have thoughts of leaving him but when the actual time comes, only to realise how much I love him.... It has partly been my fault that things turn out this way.. I admit...which I terribly regretted it... Just hope that he dun take me for granted with the changes I have done...