**Lost... Confused....**

The song playing bascially explains how I am feeling now... I really wish time could be turned back... I miss the past... though it ended up horribily... but at least I had the happy & sweet memories to keep...


At the same time, I am lost & confused as well... Dun wana mention what happened but I have chosen the 'not recommended' choice... I know eventually what will be the outcome but I still stubbornly insisted on this choice... You can call me stupid or watever... but I have made up my mind... I dun wana care/think about what will happen next time... as long as I am happy now...


Many people told me that I am very nice ger... too nice that I get bullied at times... however why cant he just appreciate me as what I am....

**not GOOD enough...?**

Too many criticisms... Still can accept but will have a limit to it... Have expectations however I cant achieve tat... No point changing cos its in you... It just wouldnt work out...

**Joke of the Day**

Slept ard 4 am this morning..when my alarm rang at 6am... so I woke up reluctantly & went to shower... was about to finish bathing when I realise today is a SUNDAY leh... wat the hell am I doing... piang... I quickly finish my bath & went back to slp... already super tired for these few days liao... then blur me go do such stupid thing... hai~.. got to wait for another week before I can sleep late without having to wake up in the middle of it...


Met Dear for dinner jus now... he made me wait for 1 hr plus cos he overslept... :( anyway I very good 1 lah...wun becos of this be angry with him.. but dun take it for granted & always late... like tat i sure super angry 1... Had our dinner at Fish & Co... I had a whole line fish while he had black pepper stingray... Dear actually had difficulty cutting his stingray which seems funny cos by rite... you wouldnt even need to cut it...in the end only to realise that the stingray is not fully coooked yet.. poor Dear ate 1/4 of it already...as an apology, they served a bowl of complimentary soup... Dun think Dear dare to eat Fish & Co's stingray liao.. haha... first time try this dish & kena such thing....


So fast tmr Monday again.. sian... got to work.. urgh... !!!

**Playing Dear's gameboy.. I look damn serious man...**

**Pretty???**

**I am still as 'zi lian' as ever**

**Me & Dear**

**NeW OutLooK**

Finally I have changed the layout... Have been thinking of changing it all along but too lazy... Now I am being forced to change cos it had exceeded bandwidth.. something like tat ah.. I oso not very sure wat is it about... According to Ser, I jus need to change the template... so here it is...my cute layout... hehe... though I am super tired today... I still made the effort to do it leh... else will disappoint my loyal readers ah... haha...


Here are some updates... As usual have been meeting Dear everyday for dinner & movies... we have catched almost every single show... until we have to resort to watching foreign ones... haha... anyway 'Anadaman Girl' turned out not bad... quite entertaining... We spent our Friday nite @ MW with his franz... erm not tat fun liao leh... or maybe just dun have the mood to club afterall... cos its a last min thing & dun have 'xin li zun bei'... haha.. Halfway thro I went to Zouk with Calista... Less than half an hr, I was out of that place & back to MW... cos I still simply dun like it...Heng... got pple signed me in else waste $$ leh... Slept for 2 hrs that nite before I headed to work.... Seems like I am getting used to sleeping only for a few hrs already... hehe...


Went to Sitex fair with Dear after work today... erm this year 1 sucks... very small & boring compared to last year... & not much crowd as well.... Sianz...


Something happened btw Ser & her bf... & I am glad that she is willing to share her problems with me... I wouldnt want her to keep it all to herself... 'Ser, though I cant help much, I will always be there for you k? there will always be a listening ear waiting to hear you out... Hope you will think carefully & sort everything out once you feel better... '

Seeing such thing happen to my gd fran... experiencing the same thing myself before as well.... Really scared it will happen to me again... I know its a matter of trust... but there are life examples showing no matter how much you trusted the other party or that you dun even trust him , it will still happen... Relationships is really a gamble...

**Regretted.... **

Currently working now but no mood.... btw this is the 1st time I am blogging at workplace... At times even when I am very free at office... the tot of blogging nvr came to my mind... partly cos I have to access the internet secretly.... However now I dun care.... jus felt disturbed by wat happen last nite... whereby I jus wan to express my feelings in this entry....

Dear & I were chatting as per normal last nite which somehow turned serious when I touched on a certain topic... The ending wasn't good... & I have never expected such an outcome... I seriously do not mean anything & doesn't mind about it if it remains like tat... Jus tot tat its for his own good... However he changed his impression of me.. He felt disappointed with me & I am very affected.... I shouldnt have raise such a topic last nite.. else he wun be behaving very differently now... I am totally affected by this whole matter & colleagues are asking why am I looking so sad...

I want the old Dear... able to hear his chirpy voice... telling me that he misses me... I dun need him to change anything....

**Me & him....**

Well.. I have not stop meeting him since Sat.... neither did I stop contacting him.. in fact we met up on Sunday.... Before that he noes that I was chatting with 'An Quan Gan' thro MSN... guess he wasnt tat happy... anyway when I was on my way to meet up with him @ Bishan... he sms-ed me saying that he will give me an ans by today if possible... However in the end, after our sumptuous dinner & movie.... he still did not tell me anything... I didnt ask him about it as well as I dun wana rush him....

When I reached home... he finally asked if I will be his gf... he was actually thinking of asking the question when he is sending me back.. however I told him no need since its too troublesome & next day still gona work.... so yup... we are together.... :)

Erm since 12th Nov till now... we have been meeting everyday except last Fri cos I got D&D... Despite times whereby he is very tired or not feeling well... he still makes the effort to meet up.... the reason is simply he misses me... hehe... well of cos... I miss him too lah...
At times I duno wat Dear is thinking & really wished he will tell me all about it (will you Dear?)... but at the moment I will try my best to go understand him more... :)

Currently Dear is sleeping now... poor boy feeling damn sick... & somemore has been slping very little for the past 2 nitez... I oso damn seh already...head getting heavier already... Nonetheless I MISS MY DEAR.....

**What Should I do... **

Met him today for Harry Potter... tickets were booked by him last nite... He told me he has booked the 2nd last rows... Erm 2nd last row???? Cannot be leh.. Harry Potter just screened & its a Sat leh... how can the 2nd last row be available.... After checking again, only to realise he has stupidly booked the FIRST 2nd row instead.... so in the end we spent 2.5 hrs watching the show in discomfort... Overall its only a so-so show... not as good as I have expected...

Had Marche for dinner... tok cock... then went home... actually dun really feel like going home... Maybe I jus wana spend more time with him...cos I said tat after today we wun be contacting/seeing each other anymore... in the end we still went home ard 9 plus...

I tried asking him for an ans... but he mention that didnt I ask him not to decide in a rush? well... true... I jus duno wat should I do... If not to contact him..I duno if I can do it... If to contact him.... wat will become of me later???

**Uncertain Him**

Afterall he has not decided wat he wants yet.... I hate being bluffed... These few days have been a roller coaster ride for me... At times, he makes me happy... but he saddens me as & when... I dun wan such experience anymore... No more for me... Though I like him alot... I have decided to let it go.... I seriously dun wan to go thro again wat I have experience half yr ago... Its easier for me now than next time time he tell me we not suitable..etc... Though I feel sad currently... I will overcome it... all it takes is time...We shall end it here.... No more contacting/seeing each other after today... It will make me feel even worse....

**The 2 of Us...**

We have been meeting everyday... including today... even though I was super pissed off with him last nite... he admitted it's his fault & said no more clubbing / drinking for him... at least not tat often... well duno to believe or not... anyway me being such a nice ger... of cos very fast 'xiao qi' lah.. haha...

He has been treating me well... partly cos now is the so-called honeymoon period oso... just hope it dun end so fast... his small little actions/gestures touched me & have me falling more for him... eg today ... despite his small butt was really in pain... couldnt sit nor stand still... he still agreed to meet me for dinner... cos unreasonable me insisted.... but after I saw him really super in pain... I felt so guilty... shouldnt have asked him to come out... he should be resting at home....

Currently having mixed feelings.... happy yet worried... glad that I have him but scared that all these will jus vanish with a snap of fingers... I wan to make this relationship work & dun wana lose him... On the other hand, I wan to noe what is he thinking as well.... Are we on the same path or only me who is the only party trying to make it work out? Nonetheless, I am missing him already....

**Am I being Understanding???**

He finally made his decision... or maybe was forced to decide last nite.... I told him to reconsider about it... dun wan him to regret it... But he said he tot about it carefully already... well... okie... I believed him... but now I dun think so... I think he is not ready afterall...

He said no more drinking... no more clubbing for him.. maybe once in a blue moon... he mentioned this got to apply to me oso... though I didnt agree on it... I did tot of not going Zouk with Calista this friday.. since he dun like... but now... why should I listen to him since watever he said is the total opposite of wat he is doing....??? 'kuo bu dui xin'... I dun like it... if u cant do it... dun say it... like tat watever u said to me are craps already... which is truth which is lie... I oso duno...

I am angry with him... but I am oso asking myself if I am not being understanding enough... he is just going out with his frans... I cant control him too tightly... he cant always acc me...I noe all these... but I jus hate it that he dun do the things he said...

Also why cant tell our fran? Ur frans noe... My frans noe... but why not our fran? I dun understand... The only reason I can think of is you still like her....

Should I jus let go now? Maybe he is still 'hao wan'... not ready for a relationship... though I really like him... let go now better than later... I dun wan to hurt myself any further....

**Everything too Fast...?**

First of all... 'An Quan Gan' no more...but someone else came into my life... & seems like everything has happened too fast... I am falling for him... which I am really afraid to.... Scared of being hurt again... After hearing wat he said to me tonite... I am even more confused... Do I just let myself fall deeper or control my feelings for him? Really very luan... I dun dare to tell him how I feel/think.... I wana protrait myself as a strong ger to him...

He told me he is unsure about us as well... hearing that really sad... Guess I really like him... but I now will have the 'anytime let go' mentality... Although I dun wan that to happen, I have to get myself prepared....

Continue more tomorrow....

**Fucking Pissed**

Suppose to meet Uncle Erik today for KTV... however this old guy having sore throat so went for maken.. chit chat instead.... While dinner...we de4cided to sms 'An Quan Gan' saying 'I miss you'.... see if he got any reaction.... well he did not reply.... so Uncle decided to use his hp to msg as well... asking if fri wana go Addicted... a reply asking 'who is this?'... after Uncle replied back... no more reply from 'An Quan Gan'... nvm... i still can accept it... jus losing hope...

After my shower, i saw a missed call from 'An Quan Gan'... happily I called... i regretted calling... seriously... now while typing this entry I can feel my blood boiling... apparently he has a quarrel with his dealer & was walking from Central Mall back to Sim Lim Square to get his car.... ya.. its a very long way... & thats y he called me lah... so I shoot him back jokingly 'u sian then call me lah'... then he oso attitude... said 'its ok1..nvm... i can dun tok 1....' btw he is seh oso... we managed to tok awhile then he attitude again say 'aiyah u can go & slp lah... i walk myself lah....' after which he hang up on me... Piang... I fucking angry.... WTF.... i call you & tok ... then u hung up on me... Na Bei... so wat if I like you... then u can treat me like tat ah... I cant describe how pissed am I... of cos I am sad as well... but I am more angry than sad lor....

No more 'An Quan Gan' in my life.... He can fuck off already... BTW I saw Wil & his gf just now... duno wat to react at that moment oso... jus felt like 'siam-ing'... Anyway its the past liao ah....
I guess I really need sleeping pills... too much things in my mind these few days.... & another fucking day tomorrow... meeting with Manager... discuss problems & corrective actions on our accounts... sure kena fuck again... sian... cant think of any corrective actions... basically its not my fault mah... operations overlook then I got to clean up the shit meh? Everything is just so shitty.....!!!!

**Back to Work Tmr...**

To continue from my last entry... The nite when I went down Boat Quay with Uncle Erik to find him.... well he called me later @ 3am.. This time round I am not surprised but happy tat he called.. somehow I have expected he to call but I dun wan to have high hopes on it as well... Afterall who am I to him...

Anyway we chatted quite a far bit.. he told me he damn 'seh' after his 2nd round @ Eastside... was lucky that he managed to drive home safely... so I asked him y did he call me then since he is 'seh' & got to work the next day... He replied he wan to make sure I am home safely... Isn't he sweet? Mainly we talked about his past relationship... he told me not say he dun wan me to be with me but he had lost hope in everyone.. & that is EVERYONE... well disappointed was how I felt... but I understand... He has too many problems now... in fact the timing is totally wrong.. if only his last relationship isn't tat recent... if only his mum isn't back.. if only he had not the accident 2 weeks back... Maybe the current situation will not be like tat.... I told him I duno should I feel happy or sad that he called... cos he has rejected me.. but he kept saying he did not reject me... I duno wat is he thinking.... just leading me on??? Before ending the call I asked if he still wana ever hear from me again... He replied 'fei hua'... I asked y is it 'fei hua'.... He said then wat for he called me in the 1st place... He also added...'Y? Cos no rich guy to look after you ah?' I can still remember when he said 'good nite'... it was so gentle... totally different from wat he portrait himself outside... However that nite i still cant sleep... I am really expecting too much....

Received a sms from Ser @ ard 9am the next morning... found out that she is alone @ East Coast Park... feeling worried... I quickly rush down & acc her... Though I did not help much over there... in fact I myself oso feeling quite troubled... at least one will feel better if your frans are there for you... Glad that she finally decided wat to do... & hope this is not a wrong decision made...

Met Karen later in the evening intending to do waxing, even fixed appointment... but in the end we have to wait for another week or so cos both of us have recently shaved... the hair is too short to do any waxing.. too bad... Headed to Addicted after that since nothing to do on a Sat nite... Jereme & guys will be there as well.. Singapore is so BORING.... Wats there to do at nite... Always have to crack my brain to think wat to do on a Fri & Sat nite... I hate staying at home... so does Karen... she asked if we can stop going drinking.... Can... but where else to go...????
Anyway that nite I am super 'seh'... very long never so 'seh' liao... didnt drink tat much.. but I mixed the drinks... drank Vodka Lime... Chivas.... white wine...

Sorry auntie... supposed to look after you 1.. in the end is the other way round... Tat nite super sad... oso duno y... I miss him terribly but I have to be understanding... he is already troubled w his things... i shouldnt be adding on to it... but I wish he can at least tok it out.... y keep everything to himself... I will try to control myself... not to contact him for the time being... give him time & space to settle/sort out this things...

Back to work tmr... it was indeed a long break for me... time to work hard & keep myself occupied...

**Thinking & Missing....**

Met Ser jus now for chatting / shopping... I see her in this state.. so scare she will be like last time.. I dun wan that to happen to her again.. Be Strong Ger... No matter wat there are frans ard you... dun do anything stupid like last time k? Not worth it... I can survive thro a 3.5 yrs relationship so can you rite????

Met Uncle Erik jus now & he brought us to Altivo for drinks.... Nice place... too bad never bring my camera... anyway got chance I sure go there again... Anyway Uncle Erik helped me called 'An Quan Gan'.. Apparently he is @ Boat Quay with his dealer... Me of cos pester Uncle to go down with me ah...

Over there we played 5-10 so that can faster finish the beer.... well cos he later got 2nd round with his boss @ Eastside... poor me everytime kena drink... cos my left (which is 'An Quan Gan') kept losing.... everytime i drink he will sayang me... hehe... then he oso feed me otah.. so sweet rite? hehe.. well he also asked the waitress to eat.. I actually expecting him to feed her as well.. but he didnt... We stayed there awhile before we left... since Uncle Erik is too tired to go Eastside.. I oso cant possibly go alone.. so we headed home lor... Before leaving 'An Quan Gan' qiao dai Uncle to send me home... & he oso told me not to 'nao shi' lor.. not like tat nite lor... I wun lor..

Now at home.. I am thinking of him... though jus saw him... I miss him alot.. I really wish the next time round I meet him will not be in a pub lor... I wana noe him better... when will be the day?

** Missing 'An Quan Gan' **

Sian.. in fact its a long break for me... last Tues & Thurs holiday.. Wed MC.. this time round I am really sick... cough.. fever... sore throat... but I still go blading & cycling ah... haha.. its a waste to rest @ home lor... anyway today & Mon I am on leave.. shiok but nothing to do.. damn sian... No plans on a Friday... come to think of it.... its been quite long that I stayed at home on a Friday nite... well... at least I am meeting Ser to do some catching up.. guess she will be busy telling me all about her trip to Aust with her hubby... hehe... of cos I will tell her about my 'An Quan Gan' as well...

Yesterday 'An Quan Gan' smsed me asking how's my day... I told Karen... She said so sweet of him.. I oso think so.. hehe.. anyway we chatted awhile.. too bad he is busy today & tmr.. tonite being booked by his boss liao.. tmr his mum is back... hai~... wonder when can we meet up again.... Okie.. got to get ready liao.. Byeeee

**Feeling Fine....**

After my entry last nite ard 3am.. I tried hard to sleep but cant... Suddenly my phone rang... thinking its Karen.. I took my phone from the table & saw its from him.. Surprised was how I felt when I saw his name flashing on my phone... Actually I was thinking of sms-ing him today to tell him that I am sorry about last nite thingy... I tot he is pissed off with me but he called... He asked how am I & wats wrong with me... Well the whole conversation went alright.. He doesnt sound angry or anything like tat.. jus said 'Aiyah next time dun dare to let u drink so much liao'....

Chatted awhile with Karen this morning & she told me that last nite when I was crying outside the toilet... he & N came over to find me.. then he told N to ask me to go outside Addicted first ... cos his frans are there... not nice.... Erm does it matter? I really wish to noe wat actually is he thinking.... Anyway will let nature takes its course... Cant pull him too tight oso... But I am missing him every minute.....

**What Am I Doing...**

He has automatic sms & call me last nite... I was happy but I saw him having dinner with his ex jus now... I was very very very affected... I oso duno y... I duno if I really like him or jus a crush... He sent her home then went to Addicted.. where we met again... Am I expectiong too much? Perhaps.. Like wat he said.. he dun tell pple his inner feelings & tots... so that how he behave in public... Cool... I cannot... I have made a fool of myself tonite... after so long.. I cried again... Cos of him ... cos of the past.. I just felt sad..end of the day I am not happy.. Guess he is pissed that I behaved like tat... I was not happy that he cannot send me back.. but again he got 2nd round with his frans since they r down... he winked to me that he got to go with them... I have to be understanding... Y wasnt I tonite? He is not obliged to send me back afterall.. I am really expecting too much... but again.. I am really falling for him.. feeling is terrible... I dun wana think about it.. I wished I can jus slp & nvr wake up.. no need to think wat is he thinking actually... no need to have the terrible feeling again... I hate this feeling....

**Feeling good.....**

I felt happy in a way @ Addicted tonite... I guess I am really falling for him..... :)

Btw 1st Nov.. it used to be a very date to me.... but now....? it has lost its meaning....